he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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