I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
