does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
