just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
