oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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