I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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