Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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