I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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