Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
