just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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