Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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