I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You pole danced in your parka.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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