I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
