ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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