I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
