so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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