he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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