She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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