My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
