I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
