proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
