your parents love me but you hate me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The chlamydia really affected his face.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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