i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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