I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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