I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
