the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
