my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
