Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
