Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
