I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
