they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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