Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
