Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
