did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
