I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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