You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
