does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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