so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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