How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
