Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
