If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
