So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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