I'm jealous of your bromance
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
