I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love having hate sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
