he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
