yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
