sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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