In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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