im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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