I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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