Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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