I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
