do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
